reflections

Thoughts

My fiance has had multiple sclerosis for years, and as a result of the different attacks, he has recently been declared legally blind.  Since we don’t live in the same state at the moment, I am not sure what this entails.  He will be flying to Chicago to meet me for a couple of weeks, and I guess I will see the extent of this, his latest exacerbation.

I knew all along that something like this was bound to happen, as this wouldn’t be the first time that his MS attacks his optic nerves, but now that the reality is sinking in, I don’t know what to expect.  A part of me is ready to roll with the punches, but the other part of me is honestly terrified.

When I look at the long term, I am confident and calm.  When I look at the day to day, I feel at a loss.  The feeling is totally terrifying, almost freezing me.  But when I take a deep breath to try to cope with the situation – I wasn’t really expecting it to progress to this level this soon, and truth be told, I don’t think he expected it to be this way, either –  I can only see a cross we must carry together.

Certain friends have told me that I am not married yet – that I am still able to get out of this “mess” but that’s not even in my head!  Sure, I can run away and leave him now, but what does that accomplish?  It wouldn’t only break his heart, it would also break mine into a million pieces.  My response is, if I had already been married to him by the time he was declared legally blind, should I run away and leave him?  The answer is no.  So why should I leave now, when we have a solid relationship and a solid commitment to each other and love for each other?

Besides, my friends are not seeing his side of the coin.  He could also say that my illnesses are all too much for him to bear and he could leave me at any point – especially given that I have been hospitalized multiple times since we started dating – yet he doesn’t even seem to flinch.

Like I was saying earlier, I see it as we will pick up our crosses and help each other.  Honestly, as terrified as a part of me is, I have full confidence that God will provide.  He doesn’t put in my path anything I am not able to bear.  I don’t know what the road ahead has in store for us.  But I do know that God is with us every step of the way.

I can’t stop thinking that fear is the opposite of love, and that God doesn’t call us to be comfortable, but to have complete faith in Him.

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